It's okay to cry....

Ever get to that point where you finally break down and the tears just won't stop?

You sit there not even thinking but the tears keep falling and you have no idea why your even crying anymore?

Today was that day, I'm guilty of holding things in until I get like this and every time I make a promise that I won't do it anymore yet I still do!

Strangely other than the points I'm about to mention I've been okay in myself and have no idea where today's tears came from.

I woke up fine no problems at all pretty happy then anxiety hit everyone and everything felt way to close to me when in reality they really weren't that close at all, Me and Issy were having a stand off over a kinder egg (damn those poxy things) something that would usually leave me in fits of giggles over her teenager like strop because I wouldn't give in as easily as I once would have,

everything was like a mega phone in my ear and was driving me stir crazy and these days have become far to often for my liking.

I'm a mum and love my girls dearly but days like today I can't handle having them near me when all I want is a giant kiss and cuddle from them both but I just can't handle it and that f*cking kills me!

I know what kind of mother doesn't want her kids around her at all times?

That mother would be me and it kills me to admit it, I feel like a prisoner in my own mind and body.

My heart is bursting and I want nothing more than to snuggle my babies all day but my brain and senses are freaking out and can't even begin to process the idea of having them so close. which in turn leaves me feeling so guilty I never thought one person could feel so much guilt, which leaves all my emotions snowballing.

Today was a day were I could happily lock myself away and only come out when I needed the toilet,

I fear going to sleep and relaxing because it could be a night of panic attacks because you never know I could possibly be sick that night something I can repeatedly tell myself that I won't be and to chill out but my brain refuses to listen and decides to send me into uncontrollable shakes, jaw chattering and panicking so much I forget how to swallow. 

a simple cough leaving me gagging because its as if my brain can't process that it's just a cough and I'm not in the start of the process of being sick.

12 and 3am are a time my brain cannot handle, without a doubt if I'm awake to see that time I will have a panic attack, which in turn leaves me forcing myself to sleep when either time is approaching.

I can no longer tell if I'm hungry or feel sick again anymore, something I once struggled with as a teenager and something I once controlled myself something I'm determined to do again.

Today was the day that I finally gave in, I'd had enough of living like this and the tears wouldn't stop.

My next steps?

I honestly don't know but booking in with my GP and sorting my CBT is going to be a start.

Sorry for the rather personal post

tbh I didn't really know where I was going with it but I hope the title was a powerful enough message to anyone that didn't read any further and to those that did, I always forget that it is okay to cry.