How long will I love you.....

As long as stars are above you And longer, if I can!

I don't know if it's just me but I spend most of my nights with soppy music playing while getting emotional looking back at pictures of my girls and thinking about how much my girls have grown and how much they've changed.

How many things I got wrong, how many things I'd like to go back and change, how many things I could have handled better, What I can do to improve myself as a mum and so on...

Broody Broody Broody....

Everyone around me seems to be announcing their pregnancies or giving birth, It's impossible not to be broody especially when my sister in-law has just given birth to a gorgeous little girl!

As I'm sure every mum will know when your child gets to an age were they aren't exactly babies anymore

the whole world seems to ask you when your having another and tell you it's time for another

and it's been no different for me & the girls are no exception, Every other day Issy & Daisie ask me can they have a brother they even have a name for him, why don't I have another everyone else has 3 kids and the excitement from them when I'm bloated after a meal is just soo cute! Daisie is turning 3 in July and will be starting nursery in September.

We started trying for Daisie when Issy was in nursery and I fell pregnant quite quickly  and that was the plan for number #3 when Daisie started nursery too.

It seems like such the perfect age to have another while Issy's at school, Daisie would be at nursery while I'll be at home with baby BUT

As much as I really want another and as much as my womb & heart are begging me My head is screaming 'OH HELL NO' 

I've been a mum since I was 16 and I love every moment of it but as selfish as I may sound I would like at least a year were I can treat myself a little and my body being my own of course If we had another now every penny we get would go towards stuff for baby (most of our money now goes towards the girls)

I'd also like to be driving for atleast a year before we have another (as much as the thought kills me) 

So we can enjoy some days out with the girls and maybe a holiday or two.

While all those thoughts are circling my mind I also have many PRO's to having another now,

When the girls and baby are of an age to be left alone I'll still be of an age to be able to live the life I didn't have in my younger days, I'm not talking clubbing maybe a girly weekend away or something! Without the guilt and worry of leaving the kids behind like I have now.
They would all be of an age were they would be practically begging me to leave them alone just for a night or two. Where as If I put off having another for a few more years there will always be a baby to stop me from enjoying some time away, I have always said I don't want any more once I hit 3O to the point I've considered being sterilized at 3O (I know there's no way my broodiness would allow that) but I'm still set on having 4 children so unless I have twins that little plan I've always had will be going out of the window.

I don't believe their ever is a perfect time to have children, When you feel ready is the most perfect time you'll ever get.

What I would give...

 

 Be warned it's a long one.....

I'd give anything and everything to be back to the care free girl I once was! When I didn't have to rely on a tiny little tablet to make getting through the day possible and be able to feel more than anger,frustration,irritation and hate when I don't take them. What I would give to be able to enjoy a day out with my kids without willing the hours to go past as quick as they could so I could be back home where the anxiety of people being around me can stop! What I would give to be able to walk out of my door randomly with my family without being filled with dread and just wanting to crawl into my bed. I've never been one to air my struggles or problems on social networking sites but isn't my blog meant to be my little place on the internet to write how I feel sometimes? I don't even let Andy know that I'm not coping with the day, I'm upset, I'm angry etc

I'll suffer in silence until it gets so much I'm close to break down or it's impossible to look strong anymore today was that day in the middle of Asda and my entire day was ruined the minute I entered Asda.

Today was the official first day of the easter holidays and how it started/went was no where near what I had planned for my little family, That's what I'm most gutted about any other day it would have been better to handle/manage.

I haven't had any of my citralopram tablets for at least a week now but I have been biting a mg up from mine in half to get me by until I got my prescription

I was put on 1Omg last January because I had enough and felt it was time I got myself sorted not for me as I never wanted to go down the medication route but enough was enough it wasn't fair on my girls having to live and see the same four walls day in day out because I physically couldn't leave the house.

We set out this morning while Andy went to help his mum out everything was okay, I went and collected a parcel I had missed then everything the girls done I snapped at I was stressing over nothing then it came to entering asda and that's when I was ready to beg the next person near me to take the girls and just break down there and then. (Of course I would never give my girls to anyone I didn't know or give them to anyone for that matter) Andy met me for some cash to get on the train and he could tell straight away something was up I done my usual 'nothing, I'm fine' but he knew I was lying. Then came the tears welling up while paying for my items there was no hiding something was up now

Andy said he'd take both the girls to his mums with him dispite the fact he'd be really busy he could just see I needed some time today but I wouldn't allow that until I had took the girls to subway as a surprise like I had planned (they nagged me every other day to go).

In the end we popped to see my mum and I decided Issy could stay with me as I knew my mum would let her stay if I asked and Daisie would go with Andy to grandma's but Daisie was having to much fun playing polly pocket with Issy so they both stayed with me and the day picked up after a chat with my mumsie :) 

I stopped leaving the house when I was heavily pregnant with Daisie, Andy would try everything he could to get me out of the house asking if I wanted to visit family, pop to the shops,go to the park etc and my answer was always no without an ounce of me that would even consider a different answer.

He done pretty much all of the nursery runs because I just couldn't find it in me to leave the house,

When Issy was younger you'd be lucky to ever catch me at home I was forever out on the bus,park,shops etc.. Oh how I miss those days, I'm always saying I want them back asap but it isn't as easy as just doing it but I will do it!!!

What went so wrong?

Our relationship tag

I was tagged by the lovely Heather over at butterflieshavesouls

1- How old is your partner? He's 33
2- When is the monthsary? - The 3rd of every month
3- Do you guys fight/Are you happy with him? - We are forever play fighting & bickering at each other but always in a joke way that everyone thinks we are being serious, we always end up in stitches at each other trying to be angry at one another, I absolutely adore the guy I've never been happier even if he can be like having a son and gets right on tits sometimes but I wouldn't have him any other way, he was an annoying little sod when I met him & even when I was in labour if he stopped I'd be really concerned.
4- Do you live together, with your parent's, do they know? - We have our own little home together, I tried hiding him from my parent's but it was always so awkward having some random guy under a cover in my living room ;) back to being serious my parents knew him before I did, my mum knew from day one how much I fancied him.
5- Where do you live/from? We live in kent
6- How long have you been together? - 4 years
7- What do people say about you guys? - Alot of people say how much of a great couple we make :)
8- Are you planning on having any children together? - We have a daughter together and He has brought my eldest daughter up since she was a year and a half, we have plans for 2 more

I Tag

Christie over at - christiemcleod
Stacie over at - lifewithatoddlerandbump
Tara over at - misunderstoodmummy


I look forward to reading your posts!

Me, My Anxiety & I

Not many people know I suffer with bad anxiety because it's not something I shout from the roof tops pretty silly really because I always stand by mental health shouldn't be so taboo.  I can't quite remember when it actually started I'm sure it was when Issy started nursery & I was pregnant with Daisie, although I had days I could go out okay but I had to do what I had to do (pick Issy up) and get straight home, When Issy was a baby you'd be lucky to catch me indoors we were forever out on bus trips,park,little outings etc. Looking back at all of that I was sick of not showing my girls the world like I should be. So I finally went to the doctors early this year I was determined to beat this myself with no medication but I had to do what I had to do for my girls it's fine me staying in all day but they shouldn't have to so I swallowed my pride and accepted the 1Omg citralopram I was prescribed. I often feel I should have my dosage up'd a little but I'm trying to help myself as best as I can before I go and do that, I also requested counseling but I'm yet to bite the bullet and do that (I was under a psychiatrist back when Issy was a baby but was discharged and left their number if I needed them)  Andy often finds me somewhere in tears because I'm so sure I'm an awful mum he always points out all the things I'm doing right but I'm convinced he has to say that and think the same if I talk to any friends about it.

Having the look I do piercings,bright hair colours,tattoos,photoshoots I do etc many people assume I'm a really confident girl when really I'm far from it. I sometimes panic when I'm out waiting for someone to start some trouble because of how I look but I refuse to alter my look to fit in with what society sees fit, I have days where I feel fine with going out but other days I won't even consider going out no matter what, I used to wear headphones everywhere I went on the loudest they would go so I couldn't hear anyone around me if and when I went out alone people were always telling me they saw me and I totally blanked them (I didn't I just go into my own world where I'm safe when I go out) There was a time I wouldn't do the nursery runs and Andy done them for me because I wouldn't leave the house, Issy's teachers often asked where I was and was I okay.  Andy was forever asking me if I wanted to pop out somewhere with him but I always found an excuse not to go, Since being on medication I do the school runs every morning I don't talk to any of the other mums I talk to a maximum of 5 parents when on the school run and that's it, I can't quite handle the afternoon school runs just yet but I'm getting there now if I'm out its a struggle to get me back home, I can't do things that involve going out on the whim I have to have planned it the night before at least I really struggle when I have things sprung on me or if Andy decides his not coming last minute, Phone calls terrify me I can't even order a take-away the only phone calls I do are ones for my girls,  I can't manage nights out without having panic attacks each time I've attempted a night out i've ended up freaking out. I started volunteering in a charity shop as a start to getting over my fear of going out and speaking to other humans as well as gaining some experience as I really want to work in retail (until i become a awesome body modifier of course ;) one day one day....)

So there's a little look into a part of me that many don't know about :)

2 weeks.....

Can't believe that in two weeks my little Doo bug turns 2!!!!
It doesn't seem that long ago I was getting my stuff together ready to be induced, I'm almost all done just need to get in all the party food, loot bags and the fillings & her cake :) I was thinking of doing a few games but as most of the kids are around the same age as her I don't think they'll quite understand them just yet. I'm so glad I got things in as I saw them as my washing machine broke on me yesterday so I need to spend out on getting another but for now my mum's doing my washing like a diamond, so I can focus on Daisie's birthday, As always I don't think her present pile is big enough :/ although it's more than enough to keep her busy, every year be it Easter,Christmas or Birthdays I never think the girls present piles are big enough then I spend the rest of the year sorting out all the bits that don't get played with.

❤

Wonderful Dads!

In case you didn't manage to see on facebook,twitter,all over the shops etc today's fathers day!
There shouldn't be just a single day to let our dads know how special they are but today gives them a day to relax and be spoilt!! I know everyone says their dads are the worlds best dads so i'm not going to be any different because he really is a wonderful man, Although me and my dad might not have that really close bond to be seen by everyone that we used to have it will always be there. We went to visit him today and he was out in the garden doing some gardening while i was having a natter with my mum then we went to peek at where the girls had wandered off to after hearing 'we are going to find gangan' We found them watching my dad doing bits in the garden and the girls were holding hands keeping each other safe as the pond was near by :') was the cutest thing ever! personal reasons ripped away the closeness me and my girls were entitled to have with my dad for the world to see :( i won't be discussing what that reason was as it's really personal. While having a wander around the garden where i grew up as a little girl the memories were flooding back from how i once had a HUGE trampoline that took up way to much of the garden,how I'd sit in my mums summer house, how I'd wander into my dads GIGANTIC shed to find him painting his figures and a whole lot more, The gigantic shed and the summer house look so small now I'm all grown up but the memories are still spilling out of them :) I may not visit or talk to my dad everyday but i love him dearly and will always fight his corner to the death no one says a bad word about my dad other than my mum not that she does tho, I really should start visiting every day. I'm a lucky girl to have such a wonderful dad thats supported me through everything although he isn't a fan of my alternative look he's never told me to change/stop and is always printing off my modeling pictures to show his friends and having one as his phone screen saver if it's not the girls :') I love my dad!!! ❤

As I've mentioned in previous posts Andy isn't Issy's biological dad, He's bought her up since she was 1 and a half when her dad decided it would be best he stopped seeing her, he has been there since then doing all he can for her, She can be a right little madam but he's still here taking the tantrums that can turn violent,the attitude,her bad days,sitting with her until stupid o'clock because she's ill,bought her first school uniform,making sure shes well fed & clothed, he's funded all of her birthdays since her 2nd birthday and i tend to go over board with birthday doo's but he's not once complained but done all that he can to fund her special day even down to selling his phone and parts of his beloved bike (which always came first no matter what before he became a family man) We are all such lucky girls to have this amazing man in our lives and be able to call him dad & fiance! There is no way i could ever repay him for what he has done for us girls, he' helped me raise two beautiful little girls the best we can there's been many times were I've turned into psycho woman and Issy has been a total nightmare to deal with, i wouldn't have blamed him for walking away but he never has but has always been there with a cuddle and kiss for us both :)

4 years today

I've been with my amazing man 4 years today and we are still going super strong  :)
i know everyone says it but it really has been the best 4 years of my life and he really is amazing, He's taken on my little Issy as if she was his own there has been many times she has pushed his buttons really hard and times have been difficult were he could have walked away but he didn't and he's still here being the most amazing dad he can be to both our girls, We've been through so much together and he's helped me achieve so many things in the small amount of time we've been together, We've aimed to get married on certain dates many times but the date always comes and passes us by we will start saving up big time for it one day but for now we are happy how we are and there's always something more important that pops up, Of course we'd get married tomorrow if we had the chance. We are having a hand fastening ceremony sometime in the summer tho :)
My anniversary present was my little Gertrude (my car) which had a full valet today, i should be starting my driving lessons back up again on wed. We didn't do anything for it today :( but I'm hoping to drag him out for dinner sometime in the week :)