Last mum through the gate | Anxiety & Me

 

 

People often mistake seeing me rushing through the school gates of a morning as me being late or just generally crap with timing.

Truth is I could quite easily be at those gates by 8:3O most mornings (doors open at 8:45 for the kids to go in) but I purposely make sure I don't get to that gate until 8:45, if I do happen to be earlier than that I'll walk the longer way to school and if we are still early instead of going along to the school and waiting for the doors to open, I'll pop into my mums on route to pass the extra time even if its just 5 minutes.

I do this on purpose to avoid any socializing when it comes to waiting in the school at every chance possible the thought makes me shudder, it's just not something I can do.

Luckily a few mums will go out of their way to speak to me if I happen to cross their paths as they know I suffer with anxiety, if every parent at the school was the same as those wonderful ladies maybe just maybe I'd happily go along earlier and let Issy run wild with her friends before she goes in but right now as much as it pains me to say it I'm really not able to just yet but I WILL!

I'm yet to do a school pick up without ending up into a big stress ball (I feel myself go literally like a puffer fish)

having so many people around me puts me on edge and really stresses me out.

To the point I've often left the school looking like a pyshco effing and jeffing away to myself all hot and flustered, It honestly does feel like that day is out to get me Daisies falling over, Issy's running away, the girls book bags are hanging open, I'm piled with coats and whatever else the girls have brung home from the day at school everyone's looking, I'm sweating as if I've just finished a work out at the gym just get me home already.

Things I planned to, should and want to be enjoying ends up leaving me in more stress then what the days up to the girls births did, I want to enjoy watching my girls run together while I'm loaded up like a donkey but anxiety gets the better of me and turns those joyful moments into my own miniature hell!

To help with the end of the day pick ups I take my headphones, pick a bench as far from people as possible but one that's in between where Issy comes out and Daisies nursery so I can be found by both and listen to my music until Issy walks out and then its round to the nursery to collect Daisie. 

Once those headphones are out the fun really begins

If you suffer with anxiety and have school runs to manage I'd love to hear your coping techniques

When anxiety takes over....

(photo credit - google)

If your a regular reader of my blog a little while ago you'd have read about plans for baby number 3.

All was going well I came off my anxiety tablets and I stopped having my injection, Let the trying begin!

Well at least I thought that would be the case UNTIL...

Recently my household was struck with some kind of virus starting with Daisie and then there was me that randomly out of no where threw up :/

To begin with I'd been struggling with awful mouth ulcers 9 to be exact after daring to eat a tropical mouth ulcer and spent awhile in bed because the pain was awful so Andy sent me to bed every time I got up, then came the bad stomach.

But the sickness was strange because I was the only one with it, so even tho it takes weeks and weeks for me to get the right result from a pregnancy test and I haven't had a period for 3 years, I tested anyway you can guess the result Negative.

A day later I felt a little better then the next morning I was woken with a bad stomach and was sick again.

That was that my mind was made up no way in hell am I ever going to be able to survive a pregnancy with morning sickness, feeling a baby move again and the possibilty of a c-section.

Anyone that knows me knows I LOVE being pregnant, I loved everything about it while others just wanted their baby to come already I was happy to stay pregnant forever, I never had sickness with the girls so I was really lucky considering I have a sickness phobia but I was took the possibility of sickness in my stride to deal with if and whenever it occurred.

But now that is not even an option I can't even handle the thought of it how the hell am I going to cope if I was to have it?

So we've decided to wait and try once I'm in control of my anxiety about it all but for now anxiety is well and truly winning this one!

Anxiety and travelling

Yesterday I traveled up to fareham Hampshire by train,coach and then a taxi.

Yeah so what?

Well all was going well until I boarded the coach then the panic set in, I had to breathe in and out as if I was in labour and then came the tears I was ready to run off the coach and back to the train station to come home I can't do this.

But I had to there was no way in hell I was letting one of my best friends from primary school down on her big and special day, We haven't seen each others in years and I was lucky enough to get an invite.

So a quick text to my mum just simply saying tell me I can do this?

With a reply back of how I can do it and just imagine my friend Beckies face when she see's me there

That was it set in stone I'm not turning back!

The coach set off I was still in quite a flap knowing I couldn't turn back now and many times tempted to run to the front and ask him to stop so I could get off.

Then came a text from Andy he was just setting off himself to meet me at the other end, Brilliant I can relax now a little while later my phone vibrates and Andys text he has a problem with his bike and has to go back. Que my stomach just dropping so hard it almost made me gag then never mind his still coming he'll just be a little later no problem.

After nodding off a few times and reading my magazine to keep my mind of panicking I arrived at Fareham bus station! 

Then it was a taxi to the wedding venue, As i'm strolling up to the church I see my friends nan and automatically felt safe again, she's known me since I was tiny she was shocked about my travel to get there and then came the god send I could jump in the car back with them if I wanted.

Halleluiah!!!

I wasn't due to travel back until 12:3O the next day and already having panic attacks I was dreading it.

With the lift being offered for that night and Andy having so many bike problems we decided it would be best he didn't struggle to get up there and I'll see him when I get home, As by the time he got to me it would be around 8-9pm anyway, so it made sense for him to just stay put at home.

 If you suffer with anxiety you'll know how going somewhere over 2 hours away from home alone and staying is a BIG thing to do

With the offer of a lift home that night I was able to relax and enjoy the day.

 

What I would give...

 

 Be warned it's a long one.....

I'd give anything and everything to be back to the care free girl I once was! When I didn't have to rely on a tiny little tablet to make getting through the day possible and be able to feel more than anger,frustration,irritation and hate when I don't take them. What I would give to be able to enjoy a day out with my kids without willing the hours to go past as quick as they could so I could be back home where the anxiety of people being around me can stop! What I would give to be able to walk out of my door randomly with my family without being filled with dread and just wanting to crawl into my bed. I've never been one to air my struggles or problems on social networking sites but isn't my blog meant to be my little place on the internet to write how I feel sometimes? I don't even let Andy know that I'm not coping with the day, I'm upset, I'm angry etc

I'll suffer in silence until it gets so much I'm close to break down or it's impossible to look strong anymore today was that day in the middle of Asda and my entire day was ruined the minute I entered Asda.

Today was the official first day of the easter holidays and how it started/went was no where near what I had planned for my little family, That's what I'm most gutted about any other day it would have been better to handle/manage.

I haven't had any of my citralopram tablets for at least a week now but I have been biting a mg up from mine in half to get me by until I got my prescription

I was put on 1Omg last January because I had enough and felt it was time I got myself sorted not for me as I never wanted to go down the medication route but enough was enough it wasn't fair on my girls having to live and see the same four walls day in day out because I physically couldn't leave the house.

We set out this morning while Andy went to help his mum out everything was okay, I went and collected a parcel I had missed then everything the girls done I snapped at I was stressing over nothing then it came to entering asda and that's when I was ready to beg the next person near me to take the girls and just break down there and then. (Of course I would never give my girls to anyone I didn't know or give them to anyone for that matter) Andy met me for some cash to get on the train and he could tell straight away something was up I done my usual 'nothing, I'm fine' but he knew I was lying. Then came the tears welling up while paying for my items there was no hiding something was up now

Andy said he'd take both the girls to his mums with him dispite the fact he'd be really busy he could just see I needed some time today but I wouldn't allow that until I had took the girls to subway as a surprise like I had planned (they nagged me every other day to go).

In the end we popped to see my mum and I decided Issy could stay with me as I knew my mum would let her stay if I asked and Daisie would go with Andy to grandma's but Daisie was having to much fun playing polly pocket with Issy so they both stayed with me and the day picked up after a chat with my mumsie :) 

I stopped leaving the house when I was heavily pregnant with Daisie, Andy would try everything he could to get me out of the house asking if I wanted to visit family, pop to the shops,go to the park etc and my answer was always no without an ounce of me that would even consider a different answer.

He done pretty much all of the nursery runs because I just couldn't find it in me to leave the house,

When Issy was younger you'd be lucky to ever catch me at home I was forever out on the bus,park,shops etc.. Oh how I miss those days, I'm always saying I want them back asap but it isn't as easy as just doing it but I will do it!!!

What went so wrong?

Me, My Anxiety & I

Not many people know I suffer with bad anxiety because it's not something I shout from the roof tops pretty silly really because I always stand by mental health shouldn't be so taboo.  I can't quite remember when it actually started I'm sure it was when Issy started nursery & I was pregnant with Daisie, although I had days I could go out okay but I had to do what I had to do (pick Issy up) and get straight home, When Issy was a baby you'd be lucky to catch me indoors we were forever out on bus trips,park,little outings etc. Looking back at all of that I was sick of not showing my girls the world like I should be. So I finally went to the doctors early this year I was determined to beat this myself with no medication but I had to do what I had to do for my girls it's fine me staying in all day but they shouldn't have to so I swallowed my pride and accepted the 1Omg citralopram I was prescribed. I often feel I should have my dosage up'd a little but I'm trying to help myself as best as I can before I go and do that, I also requested counseling but I'm yet to bite the bullet and do that (I was under a psychiatrist back when Issy was a baby but was discharged and left their number if I needed them)  Andy often finds me somewhere in tears because I'm so sure I'm an awful mum he always points out all the things I'm doing right but I'm convinced he has to say that and think the same if I talk to any friends about it.

Having the look I do piercings,bright hair colours,tattoos,photoshoots I do etc many people assume I'm a really confident girl when really I'm far from it. I sometimes panic when I'm out waiting for someone to start some trouble because of how I look but I refuse to alter my look to fit in with what society sees fit, I have days where I feel fine with going out but other days I won't even consider going out no matter what, I used to wear headphones everywhere I went on the loudest they would go so I couldn't hear anyone around me if and when I went out alone people were always telling me they saw me and I totally blanked them (I didn't I just go into my own world where I'm safe when I go out) There was a time I wouldn't do the nursery runs and Andy done them for me because I wouldn't leave the house, Issy's teachers often asked where I was and was I okay.  Andy was forever asking me if I wanted to pop out somewhere with him but I always found an excuse not to go, Since being on medication I do the school runs every morning I don't talk to any of the other mums I talk to a maximum of 5 parents when on the school run and that's it, I can't quite handle the afternoon school runs just yet but I'm getting there now if I'm out its a struggle to get me back home, I can't do things that involve going out on the whim I have to have planned it the night before at least I really struggle when I have things sprung on me or if Andy decides his not coming last minute, Phone calls terrify me I can't even order a take-away the only phone calls I do are ones for my girls,  I can't manage nights out without having panic attacks each time I've attempted a night out i've ended up freaking out. I started volunteering in a charity shop as a start to getting over my fear of going out and speaking to other humans as well as gaining some experience as I really want to work in retail (until i become a awesome body modifier of course ;) one day one day....)

So there's a little look into a part of me that many don't know about :)