It's okay to cry....

Ever get to that point where you finally break down and the tears just won't stop?

You sit there not even thinking but the tears keep falling and you have no idea why your even crying anymore?

Today was that day, I'm guilty of holding things in until I get like this and every time I make a promise that I won't do it anymore yet I still do!

Strangely other than the points I'm about to mention I've been okay in myself and have no idea where today's tears came from.

I woke up fine no problems at all pretty happy then anxiety hit everyone and everything felt way to close to me when in reality they really weren't that close at all, Me and Issy were having a stand off over a kinder egg (damn those poxy things) something that would usually leave me in fits of giggles over her teenager like strop because I wouldn't give in as easily as I once would have,

everything was like a mega phone in my ear and was driving me stir crazy and these days have become far to often for my liking.

I'm a mum and love my girls dearly but days like today I can't handle having them near me when all I want is a giant kiss and cuddle from them both but I just can't handle it and that f*cking kills me!

I know what kind of mother doesn't want her kids around her at all times?

That mother would be me and it kills me to admit it, I feel like a prisoner in my own mind and body.

My heart is bursting and I want nothing more than to snuggle my babies all day but my brain and senses are freaking out and can't even begin to process the idea of having them so close. which in turn leaves me feeling so guilty I never thought one person could feel so much guilt, which leaves all my emotions snowballing.

Today was a day were I could happily lock myself away and only come out when I needed the toilet,

I fear going to sleep and relaxing because it could be a night of panic attacks because you never know I could possibly be sick that night something I can repeatedly tell myself that I won't be and to chill out but my brain refuses to listen and decides to send me into uncontrollable shakes, jaw chattering and panicking so much I forget how to swallow. 

a simple cough leaving me gagging because its as if my brain can't process that it's just a cough and I'm not in the start of the process of being sick.

12 and 3am are a time my brain cannot handle, without a doubt if I'm awake to see that time I will have a panic attack, which in turn leaves me forcing myself to sleep when either time is approaching.

I can no longer tell if I'm hungry or feel sick again anymore, something I once struggled with as a teenager and something I once controlled myself something I'm determined to do again.

Today was the day that I finally gave in, I'd had enough of living like this and the tears wouldn't stop.

My next steps?

I honestly don't know but booking in with my GP and sorting my CBT is going to be a start.

Sorry for the rather personal post

tbh I didn't really know where I was going with it but I hope the title was a powerful enough message to anyone that didn't read any further and to those that did, I always forget that it is okay to cry.

Me, Myslef & Agoraphobia

A little while ago I had my second appointment at Maudsley hospital, I was originally there for ADHD symptoms a few people including a health professional had asked me if I had ADHD so with that I had it looked into.

My second appointment was one with a psychiatrist, at this appointment he said he didn't feel I had enough of a ADHD trait to medicate to explain what he meant he said people with ADHD are dwarfs and people without it are normal average height, So I'm not quite as tall as a normal person but I'm not as short as a dwarf so I'm pretty much a hobbit :') I suffer with symptoms of ADHD but not enough to be a dwarf and medicated.

His example did make me laugh even more so when he asked if my hair was dyed.

With a reply of no it's natural he didn't seem to impressed but it left me and my mum giggling for the rest of the day.

 So to round it up I'm not as tall as a normal person but I'm not quite a dwarf with natural pink hair :) 

Anyway during my session he diagnosed me with Anxiety/Panic disorder and agoraphobia he suggested I have cognitive behavioural therapy and some medication which would be a higher dosage than the 1Omg citalopram I was on before

I knew I already had the anxiety disorder but the agoraphobia is something new to take in, I don't know why but since I found this out I haven't been right in myself I don't know what it is but I barely eat now (but gain weight like crazy) when it was rare to ever catch me with my hands not full of food and my stomach just doesn't feel right like I have a constant knot in my stomach, I go to bed most nights feeling really odd with an unsettled stomach which sends my sickness phobia nuts!

I mentioned in a previous post that my anxiety of suffering morning sickness was far to much to handle right now so baby number 3 was written off until I can manage it.

Which the above of not feeling right has sent me crazy over thinking it could be because of pregnancy, My babies don't like to show up with pregnancy tests or blood tests until a good few weeks 6 & 9 to be exact with negatives after a faint positive so it's not as simple as test and see :/ 

(Again in previous posts you'd have read I was planning to TTC so came off contraceptives, I can't go back on until pregnancy is totally ruled out)

The worse part of my diagnosis of agoraphobia is I feel I have to live up to the worst case of it because it's already happening I mention I was diagnosed and people look at me really confused and say isn't that were your scared to leave the house? as I'm sitting in their house but that's the thing I'm with someone I know I'll be safe with and I was driven from my house to theirs.

I'm expecting everyone I know personally to think my agoraphobia is something I've made up because I can be seen out BUT it's just up my local town to do some food shopping and school runs. 

Even that isn't easy for me at times, my mum still has to take me to the doctors,dentist and hospital even then I need a week at the very least to get my head around these appointments coming up, the same goes for any kind of event if I haven't been given at least a week it's very unlikely that you'll find me attending unless my mum is there doing what mums do and making sure I go with her by my side.
Andy and my mum are constantly reassuring me not to be silly and that agoraphobia isn't just a fear of the leaving the house at all and I shouldn't care what others think about it.

What I would give...

 

 Be warned it's a long one.....

I'd give anything and everything to be back to the care free girl I once was! When I didn't have to rely on a tiny little tablet to make getting through the day possible and be able to feel more than anger,frustration,irritation and hate when I don't take them. What I would give to be able to enjoy a day out with my kids without willing the hours to go past as quick as they could so I could be back home where the anxiety of people being around me can stop! What I would give to be able to walk out of my door randomly with my family without being filled with dread and just wanting to crawl into my bed. I've never been one to air my struggles or problems on social networking sites but isn't my blog meant to be my little place on the internet to write how I feel sometimes? I don't even let Andy know that I'm not coping with the day, I'm upset, I'm angry etc

I'll suffer in silence until it gets so much I'm close to break down or it's impossible to look strong anymore today was that day in the middle of Asda and my entire day was ruined the minute I entered Asda.

Today was the official first day of the easter holidays and how it started/went was no where near what I had planned for my little family, That's what I'm most gutted about any other day it would have been better to handle/manage.

I haven't had any of my citralopram tablets for at least a week now but I have been biting a mg up from mine in half to get me by until I got my prescription

I was put on 1Omg last January because I had enough and felt it was time I got myself sorted not for me as I never wanted to go down the medication route but enough was enough it wasn't fair on my girls having to live and see the same four walls day in day out because I physically couldn't leave the house.

We set out this morning while Andy went to help his mum out everything was okay, I went and collected a parcel I had missed then everything the girls done I snapped at I was stressing over nothing then it came to entering asda and that's when I was ready to beg the next person near me to take the girls and just break down there and then. (Of course I would never give my girls to anyone I didn't know or give them to anyone for that matter) Andy met me for some cash to get on the train and he could tell straight away something was up I done my usual 'nothing, I'm fine' but he knew I was lying. Then came the tears welling up while paying for my items there was no hiding something was up now

Andy said he'd take both the girls to his mums with him dispite the fact he'd be really busy he could just see I needed some time today but I wouldn't allow that until I had took the girls to subway as a surprise like I had planned (they nagged me every other day to go).

In the end we popped to see my mum and I decided Issy could stay with me as I knew my mum would let her stay if I asked and Daisie would go with Andy to grandma's but Daisie was having to much fun playing polly pocket with Issy so they both stayed with me and the day picked up after a chat with my mumsie :) 

I stopped leaving the house when I was heavily pregnant with Daisie, Andy would try everything he could to get me out of the house asking if I wanted to visit family, pop to the shops,go to the park etc and my answer was always no without an ounce of me that would even consider a different answer.

He done pretty much all of the nursery runs because I just couldn't find it in me to leave the house,

When Issy was younger you'd be lucky to ever catch me at home I was forever out on the bus,park,shops etc.. Oh how I miss those days, I'm always saying I want them back asap but it isn't as easy as just doing it but I will do it!!!

What went so wrong?