If your a regular reader of my blog or at least used to be when I was actually active, You'll know it's no secret of mine that I struggled with Anxiety.
If you followed my 'Anxiety and me' stories you'd have read that I had very slowly become the old care free me again, I even got myself a job!
Since being pregnant one of my biggest fears has been the anxiety returning as it wasn't until Daisie was born that my anxiety disorder occurred and slowly took away every part of what made me, me.
Gladly I'm still powering through my pregnancy with just two weeks to go with no signs of anxiety rearing it's ugly head as of yet and I really hope it stays that way.
It did however steal quite a bit of my pregnancy joy, instead of skipping along buying anything I clapped eyes on there was a constant niggle at the back of my mind that something could be wrong, something that has stuck through out my pregnancy, I don't know if it's because I'm more aware of the possibilities now but even now I have to shoo away the thoughts of her not being mine to keep and i'm silly for getting so much prepared, I can't help but feel its down to anxiety still lingering?
I never had these thoughts cross my mind at least once with the girls I was skipping around from day one without a care in the world, Could it be the scare we had new years day when we thought our little lotto win had actually been snatched from us already?
Even that was that in punishment for my mixed emotions on being pregnant? Our very much wanted baby was finally ours and now my minds questioning whether I'm actually ready?
A lot of my problem is that I see everything as a sign be it from the universe or someone above (I'm a little bit hippy with that) it's forever making Andy laugh, A magpie cant be outside without it being a sign of some sort, The baby on board boots lorry back in November was a sign I was pregnant and not just general traffic, I read into things a lot more than I probably should.
Even that was that in punishment for my mixed emotions on being pregnant? Our very much wanted baby was finally ours and now my minds questioning whether I'm actually ready?
A lot of my problem is that I see everything as a sign be it from the universe or someone above (I'm a little bit hippy with that) it's forever making Andy laugh, A magpie cant be outside without it being a sign of some sort, The baby on board boots lorry back in November was a sign I was pregnant and not just general traffic, I read into things a lot more than I probably should.
It's also left me terrified about such simple things like having a little grumble about being uncomfortable, to the point I've been in tears over the guilt of feeling that way. I reassure myself often that it's perfectly normal not to enjoy every single second of pregnancy but that still hasn't stopped me feeling awful about it.
I make sure I always say I'm still very much enjoying my pregnancy because honestly I really am but I feel my body may have hit that wall now and although mentally I don't think I'm ready because my mind still does that 'oh hell no' when I think about giving birth but I think my body is ready to meet this little lady now, I feel awful for not remembering ever getting to this stage with the girls and wonder if it is because I'm older now? Obviously I know no pregnancy is the same each of my experiences is more than enough proof of that for me.
Each of my pregnancies have been walks in the parks to some of the updates I read from friends and fellow bloggers journeys and again the guilt hits me, how dare I grumble over the little things that I should expect and prepare for!
I'm not sure exactly where I wanted to go with this post but it hasn't turned out how I expected but I've gone with the flow of what came to me while typing, I guess what I'm trying to remember is that no matter how easy my pregnancy may be compared to others it's okay to have a little grumble and not enjoy every single second I am only human after all.
It doesn't mean I love this little lady any less than my girlies and I should as I advise anyone and everyone just let the emotions/feelings flow it's all part of the process.
I'm not sure exactly where I wanted to go with this post but it hasn't turned out how I expected but I've gone with the flow of what came to me while typing, I guess what I'm trying to remember is that no matter how easy my pregnancy may be compared to others it's okay to have a little grumble and not enjoy every single second I am only human after all.
It doesn't mean I love this little lady any less than my girlies and I should as I advise anyone and everyone just let the emotions/feelings flow it's all part of the process.
